When Fear Shows Up in Co-Parenting: Understanding Parental Alienation & Protecting Your Child’s Emotional Health

 As someone who has supported families for decades, I can say this with complete clarity:

Most parents aren’t afraid of the divorce itself—they’re afraid of losing connection with their child.

That fear is deeply human. And during the storm of divorce, children can get pulled into loyalty binds long before parents notice the early signs. This is why support and healthy co-parenting solutions matter.

Parental Alienation Often Begins in the “Gray Zone”

Parental alienation rarely starts loudly. It starts quietly:

• A child hesitates or withdraws

• They echo adult phrases about the other parent

• They feel guilty for enjoying time in one home

• They carry emotional burdens that aren’t theirs

• Behaviors no longer match the relationship history

These are signs of emotional overload—not misbehavior.

How Parental Alienation Impacts Mental Health

After 20+ years specializing in child and adolescent development, I’ve learned:

• A child needs a secure, unbroken attachment to their steady parent.

• When that bond is disrupted, developmental cracks appear.

Children may experience:

• Anxiety, stomach aches, sleep issues

• Emotional confusion or withdrawal

• Shame for loving both parents

• Long-term difficulty in trusting relationships

Parents may experience:

• Grief

• Hypervigilance

• Depression

• Identity disruption

• Emotional exhaustion

It feels like losing your child “in slow motion.”

A Personal Note: What My Own Divorce and Co-Parenting Journey Taught Me

This work is personal for me. There was a time early in my divorce when I felt the tremors of parental alienation—a subtle shift in my daughter’s behavior that activated real fear. Here is what changed everything:

• My ex-husband and I quickly realized that if we didn’t change our communication, we risked creating emotional confusion for our daughter.

• We weren’t perfect, but we were committed.

• We shifted our communication to clearer, calmer, and more respectful, and it protected our daughter’s childhood and her attachment to both of us. That experience shaped my philosophy forever.

A Healthy Divorce Is Possible: The Belief That “Divorce Destroys Childhood” Is a Myth

This is one of the most important truths I teach parents:

• Divorce does not destroy childhood.

• Chronic conflict does.

Children thrive when:

• The conflict is low

• Communication is respectful

• Transitions are predictable

• Emotions are regulated

• Both parents are emotionally available

If a healthy marriage is no longer viable, a healthy divorce absolutely is. I’ve seen families become stronger after separation—with the right support.

Why Post-Divorce Mediation Support Is Essential

Alienation risk is highest after the divorce, when:

• Routines shift

• Emotional wounds reopen

• Communication breaks down

• Children grow into new developmental stages

Post-Divorce Mediation Support protects children by supporting parents.

It helps families:

• Update parenting plans appropriately

• Communicate without escalation

• Keep kids out of loyalty binds

• Catch red flags early

• Protect each parent–child attachment

• Create emotional safety in both homes

Healthy co-parenting is not instinctive—it is supported.

The Stevenson Heywood Difference

At Stevenson Heywood, my sister and co-founder, Martha Heywood, and I combine:

My expertise:

• LMFT specializing in children, teens, trauma, and family systems

• University teaching in child & lifespan development

• 20+ years guiding families through conflict and repair

• Personal lived experience with co-parenting and early alienation fear

Martha’s expertise:

• 25+ years in leadership, conflict resolution, and negotiation

• A grounding presence in high-stakes conversations

• Operational clarity that stabilizes overwhelmed families

Together, we help parents create communication that protects the child—not the conflict.

There is Hope and Success in Co-Parenting

• I’ve seen children reconnect.

• I’ve seen co-parents repair.

• I’ve seen families reclaim peace.

Divorce does not destroy childhood—unsupported conflict does. With structure and guidance, you can give your children a healthy and stable future.

References

These foundational works support the importance of secure attachment, post-divorce support, and early intervention in parental alienation:

• Kelly & Emery (2003) – Cooperative coparenting and reduced conflict improve children’s mental health.

• Bowlby (1969–1980) – Secure attachment to a stable caregiver is essential to healthy development.

• Fidler, Bala & Saini (2016–2020) – Early identification and intervention prevent entrenched parental alienation.

• Amato (2010) – Post-divorce family climate predicts outcomes more than the divorce itself.

• Emery (2012) – Ongoing mediation support reduces conflict and protects parent–child relationships.

• Siegel (2012) – Parental emotional regulation shapes the child’s developing brain.

• Porges (2011) – Chronic stress and relational rupture disrupt the child’s nervous system.

• Johnston & Roseby (1997) – Loyalty conflicts harm identity formation and emotional stability.

These studies reinforce one truth: Children thrive when both parents stay emotionally available, regulated, and supported—during and especially after divorce.